Difficult conversations: We all have them. In fact, think of a recent uncomfortable situation. Did you move towards or against the issue? Why? If we intellectually know that moving away from an issue does not minimize it or make it go away, why do we struggle?
Over the past 15 years, one of my greatest victories is being involved in very difficult conversations with the clients I work with -- and helping them facilitate conversations to a better working environment with staff, peers, vendors, agency/carrier relationships and more.
I've learned there are certain simple rules to remember when having a difficult conversation . . .
1. If it keeps coming up in your mind, it likely needs to happen.
2. Remember there are always at least two perspectives in a conversation of two.
3. These steps will make your approach easier:
- What is my part in the breakdown? Ex. Where did I break promises in the past? Where have I contributed by not paying attention?
- What do I see is the objective issue?
- How is this other party responsible, and WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP THEM?
- What is the resolution to the matter at hand and what can be done for the future?
4. Be clear. Don’t beat around the bush. Let them know what you want to talk about, and that you care about them as a person as well as the resolution.
5. If you are going to use any information you read online (including articles like this one!), make sure you adapt it to fit your personality and conversation style.
6. No compromise. Listen for the real issue underneath all the conversation. Don’t let a simple “I’m so sorry” defeat you from getting to the bottom of the issue. I assure you that if you do, the SAME ISSUE will resurface again and again.
7. Imagine yourself in the other person’s story. In our story, blame seems clear. Look at the contribution each of you makes. Contribution is joint and interactive. Be willing to speak in the objective; what happened.
8. Be accountable for your part without expectation from them.
9. PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE. Anything new is like driving a manual transmission for the first time. You’ll grind gears and bump along at first, but in no time you will be a pro at handling the tough challenges when they come.
10. Read some good books to help then try the concepts:
- Lifescripts (Pollan\Levine)
- When We Say Yes and Mean No (Perlow)
- Difficult Conversations (with the Harvard Negotiation Project)
THINGS TO EXPECT
It will be a little uncomfortable, that you will be scared to say what you really think, that it won’t go just like you planned in your rehearsals. Don’t be discouraged. Keep trying. It’s better than all the uncomfortableness which lies around an issue not addressed.
These things you know in your gut need to be addressed, probably should, but it will take risk. And:
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
The person may avoid suffering and sorrow but they simply cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love – live. Chained by they servitudes, they are a slave; they have forfeited freedom.
"Only a person who risks is free." - Anonymous
Brandie Hinen is the CEO of Powerhouse Learning, a coaching and training organization that helps organizations overcome difficult conflict in the workplace. Visit Powerhouse Learning or contact Brandie directly at brandie@powerhouselearning.com.