“So why do we avoid conflict?” This was a question I posed to a group of very sharp thinkers at a leadership workshop I was facilitating recently in New Mexico.
The answers: “To look good” “To be liked” “To feel better (temporarily) about myself” “To be known as the nice guy” But ultimately we all realized that none of these things really help us feel better or do better to create synergistic relationships. In fact, avoiding actually makes things WORSE.
One person in the group said the old school way was to avoid issues until they demanded great attention. I shared of a bank CEO I worked with years ago who told me if he would just ignore issues that 50% of the problems would just go away. My question was, “Okay, Jim, so how do you know which ones were actually worth addressing?!” He didn’t have an answer, and as fate would have it, the bank was taken over by the FDIC a few short years after my engagement with them ended.
As an organization that is known for our ability to resolve tough core issues, we inevitably end up with conflict. Not all the time, but often enough. We work with a lot of people that have pushed conflict aside for so long that they expect us to ride in on white horses and wield the mighty sword of “one and done” quicksilver justice.
We ask that teams be willing to face the things that are the status quo, then identify those that should be challenged in the correct environment to help them get where they say they need to go.
There are occasions where asked for my “words of wisdom” before executives deal with staff tension. In fact, I came up with a little formula in one of my first client engagements many years ago that has helped tremendously.
- Recognition
- Accountability
- Commitment
First, Recognition. Can each of you see that you have a part in the problem? Ways you contribute to the problem? Ways you resist getting to a solution?
Next, would you be willing to come forward and tell the other party what you recognize, and apologize for your part in the matter?
Use Accountability by saying something like, “I realize that Tuesdays are my days to clean the dishes out of the breakroom sink, and I admit that sometimes I conveniently ‘forget’ to do it.” “I am seeing how that can upset the rest of the team, and I apologize, or will you forgive me for this?”
Lastly, Commitment. What I am I willing to do differently in order to overcome this challenge and make it right. It may sound like, “… regarding the dishes, I give my word that I will be more diligent and do my part on my scheduled day.”
That’s it, and for me, it’s a worthy start. It has to start with the owners and leaders. And it has to be genuine.
Truth is, we ALL have things to work on in order to create better working relationships.
However, be sure that you are using all three, and in the order I have offered. Why? I say recognition is the first step to recovery, but that doesn’t mean it will evoke action.
If you just say you recognize the issue and don’t articulate you will change anything, those you are accountable to may not know you mean what you say.
Also, when you share commitment without acknowledging their feelings, it may seem insensitive to the frustration others feel. If you want people to “get over it” or “move on” they need to forgive. This is an easier way to make it happen.
I have found this little formula to be very solid in resolving conflict with staff, clients, vendors, agency/carrier relationships and of course at home.
Here is my favorite declarations on the subject:
Responsibility starts with saying you are a cause in the matter.
Responsibility is not a burden, fault, praise, blame, credit, shame or guilt. In responsibility there is no evaluation of good or bad, right or wrong. There is simply what’s so, and you stand.
Being responsible starts with the willingness to deal with a situation from the point of view that you are the generator of what you do, what you have and what you are.
That is not the truth. It is a place to stand.
No one can make you responsible, nor can you impose responsibility on another. It is a grace you give yourself ~ an empowering context that leaves you with a say in the matter of life.
I always love to hear strategies and questions about dealing with conflict, so please feel free to share your in the Ask Brandie section on the front page of the Powerhouse Learning website.
Brandie Hinen is the CEO of Powerhouse Learning, a coaching and training organization that helps organizations gain better results by overcoming conflict and difficult challenges. Visit Powerhouse Learning or contact Brandie directly at brandie@powerhouselearning.com.